Author Interviews

John Hansen

Hello John!

Step right up and sit in the overstuffed chair here.  Today we have with us none other than John Hansen, author of The Perfect Game!

Mind the evil cats, they’re especially interested in a horror story though they’re trying their hardest to act otherwise as evil cats do.

 

(One cat lifts its red eye up and then begins to wash an overly-clawed paw. Birds rush away in the distance in terror.)

 

So…reading The Perfect Game sent shivers down my spine. Imagine! A reality-based serial killer television show. Brr! Were you watching tv one day and say oh my gosh, I can’t believe they went THAT far and then The Perfect Game was born?

 

John: Not exactly. But that would’ve made a great story. Actually, the ‘story behind the story’ so to speak is quite boring. I was browsing through books one day when I saw a book title that was a parody on a TV show. This was my inspiration even though the book itself, which is actually a romance, has nothing to do with my story. As a dark fiction writer, I thought it might be interesting to give TV a darker, more deadly parody. The story, at the time of writing, was only supposed to be a crime fiction piece. But things don’t always go as planned and soon enough, since I must have been feeling a little sadistic at the time (hey, at least I’m admitting it), I had an extremely creepy horror story written. With lots and lots of murder. Muahaha!

 

Jeff is a piece of work in the story eating his buttery popcorn and dreaming of killing his wife. I can just see his evil thoughts ticking behind his eyes. Very well written description John. Could you have had a run in with the guy in the…Subaru? (Shakes fist) The one who is always cutting me off in traffic? Do you get your inspiration from people in your life for any of your characters?

John: I tend not to base my characters off real people because then I wouldn’t want to put them through the almost certain suffering of being in one of my stories if I knew them. Well, maybe I wouldn’t mind basing one of the murder victims off of one of my enemies… But that’s a discussion for some other time. Jeff? Well, I’m not exactly sure how Jeff came about. It was pretty random, actually. You see, I don’t plan my stories. I come up with a premise and write randomly to it. Jeff just kind of sprung up from the story. It felt right at the time. He isn’t based off of anyone I know; he just embodied the character that I needed at that particular moment. And I really wouldn’t be surprised if he was the one who cut you off in traffic. He’ll do that. And more.

 

Let’s find out more about you John. If you had a million, kazillion dollars and could snap your fingers and play in your piles of money like Scrooge McDuck, what would be the one thing that you would make sure to do for the masses? (I know, hard one – huh?)

 

John: It’s pretty simple for me. Besides enslaving humankind, I’d probably force everyone on the planet, even the illiterate people, to buy my book. That way I could hit the top of the New York Times Bestseller’s list and laugh at “The Hunger Games”, which would be sitting at #2, right below me.

And then what would I do next? Well, I don’t think you want to delve that far into my mind. Some things just cannot be unseen, you know?

 

If you were sitting in a restaurant and had a menu that magically created your favorite dessert, what would it be? No worries about caloric intake or heart disease here!

 

John: Hmmm… Does this include a mega-fudge homemade chocolate mousse cake? If so, then, ignoring the potential heart attack from eating it, I’d order that. But with whip cream on top, too. Oh and a cherry. We can’t forget the cherry.

 

Naturally. Of course you knew I’d ask about food what with your description of the buttery popcorn making everyone hungry. Now…when you sit down to write your stories, what do you make sure to have at hand?

 

John: Nothing much, really. Just my computer and a pillow for me to punch when I get frustrated, which is always. I tried playing music while writing one time but I got so caught up in the song that I ended up writing the song lyrics on accident instead of the story. So that is my extremely detailed response.

 

I think that most stories of any genre play a little bit with horror, there has to be conflict after all in a plot. Do you feel that horror stories amp up the conflict and that this is the variation from other genres?

 

John: Kind of. Horror stories definitely amp up the conflict, but horror is more known for twisting a certain plot and making it a dark, terrifying and bloody affair. You can have a nice little romance where Cinderella meets Prince Charming and they live happily ever after. Or you can keep that basic plot, just tweak it a little in a dark, twisted way so that Cinderella ends up stabbing Prince Charming to death during their honeymoon. Then you have yourself a horror story. I feel that any story can be turned to horror pretty easily, but it’s quite difficult to do the reverse.

 

There are rules to watching horror movies as we all know. For instance, if a girl gets naked…she’s next. Never go outside alone, those sorts of things. What do you think the rules of horror stories are?

 

John: Never anger the person you’re in a relationship with, never walk near strange, mysterious noises, never talk to strangers in the middle of the night when it’s pouring rain, never leave the door unlocked and never, ever fall in love with someone you just met. That simply never works out.

 

Oh wait! The cats! They’ve  shredded a paper message for you!

 

(A note with ripped edges floats down to zencherry’s lap)

 

It says…that they are happy that their genre of books is finally being showcased on The Zen Corner and are asking why black cats are considered evil when really it’s the fuzzy cutesie ones who are to be feared. What kind of question is that? (Glares at cats) Let’s try to reword it a bit and see if we can’t spare ourselves a midnight blinding-by-claw in the meantime. Do your ideas come from nightmares or evil cats who have almost killed you?

 

(The cats jump from the rafters and yowl while flashing shiny five-inch claws that look freshly sharpened.)

 

Oh…(claps hands and attendants bring lion-tamer chairs into the fray)…better answer them soon, we’ve had practice drills for this, but really…yeah. Please answer quickly since most of our drills involved a brunch.

 

John: Um…. How did those cats get into this interview again? I thought we locked the building. Guess not.

Oddly enough, I have never been almost killed by an evil cat (insane, I know). I don’t get my ideas from nightmare either… The ideas sort of come to me randomly. Then I use what I have learned from my most frightening nightmares in my story to, you know, spice things up a bit. A book is not complete if my characters don’t suffer.

 

(The cats go back to hanging upside-down in the rafters and seem satisfied)

 

John, you’ve saved all of our lives here so today we have a special treat for a horror novelist of the finest sort who spared us death-by-shredding so willingly. That’s right! Horror novelists are the shiznit around here so we’ve pulled out ALL the stops and have brought a new secret room of The Zen Corner into play! It’s…The Penrose Staircase room! Because everyone knows that a horror novelist creates stories of endless variations that stick in your head and bring more and more to light.

 

(zencherry claps hands and a very leather-clad attendant brings a key on a plush pillow)

 

It is my honor to present you with the key to The Penrose Staircase room! Mind the turns, they’re tricky!

 

Thank you so much for joining us today and um…better go out the side door here I think the cats have followed us!

 

John Hansen’s Website

The Perfect Game on Amazon