I do miss the whispered plots waking me up and dragging my butt out of bed to write yet I enjoy the sense of doing tangible things that fill up a day rather than abstract ponderings that more than not wind up in a waste bin.

Yet…

I’m seeing my grandson every day where I was only seeing him once a month, maybe.

I’m spending time in a truck with my youngest whereas we were only briefly chatting about taking out the trash or whether there was anymore orange juice in the fridge. I know now that he secretly wants to write a book someday and his plot ideas are very clever.

Life is so quirky sometimes. Just when you have a notion of what is expected of you and a bird’s-eye view of a goal, it makes the horizon just a little different than what you expected.

Well, bonus is that I’m pretty good at changing a gut-busting diaper in ten seconds flat AND can make the grandson laugh in the process. I can now drive on the Watterson Freeway where I avoided it like a pox before seeing how most folks on there view that stretch of road as a racetrack.

I’m beginning to understand that life never quits showing you that there is so much out there that you partake of what you can when you can and you just grab the reins and ride baby, ride.

I am Mimi. Hear me, (wait a sec… takes a drink of mt. dew) roar.

The kind that makes you wonder where all that time to pick your rear-end went?

Ah, now you’ve got it. This is how my life has been this past month. Well, it kind of started in November what with NaNoWriMo, continued on into December with over twenty reviews and several interviews and then into January where I’ve been doing two interviews a week while obligated to familial things that have been time-suckers.

It reminds me of my green beans. Yes. It’s been a green bean patch month.

Three years ago I planted a whole plot full of blue lake pole beans. My first garden in our new home, I shoveled the dirt without a rototiller, broke it up all nice and smooth and then got me some stakes and string. I set the topsoil to be compost and fed and stirred it diligently. Seemed like every seed I planted grew, which made that whole: ‘One for the worm, one for the crow, one to rot, and one to grow’ theory a mite, (just a wee bit), off. I took the extra little sprouts and shoveled up some more dirt making room for the enthusiastic little things. I dreamed of green beans canned up all nice and shiny in my cellar, our savings immense!

And then…whammy. All of a sudden I had obligations pouring out of my ears that required my absence from the garden far too often. One day I thought I’d catch up and surprise, surprise they had rotted on the vine. It was a Green Giant year that year after all.

Now, what is it that makes thing start to go all swimmingly: The plan prepared, carried through, and all energies focused only to be scattered with more pressing things that cannot be ignored? What is it that veers me off my goals? Is it that I always take the back seat or is it that I wasn’t meant to be a writer? Is it that my desires are not my fate in this life and that truly I am here to be a supporting cast member? If so gladly I’ll do it, but it would be nice to have a sign or something so I can be certain.

Well, I love my family and would take a bullet for them without hesitation. To set aside my writer aspirations isn’t asking very much comparatively. But just so you know: In my next life? Well just you get ready for hundreds of books in that one.

Much love to all,

zencherry

I Need the Royalties To Pay My Parents Back (For Everything I Destroyed as a Kid)

By: Elizabeth Ann West

As a parent, you swap war stories with other parents. There are kids that are just mean. There are kids that just won’t listen. Some are angels, but the parent worries about the child’s social skills, etc. And then there are kids like me. When I got into trouble, my parents were seven parts livid and three parts impressed.

I read constantly as a child, on my own. Until the invention of the book light, I read by my closet light. When that burned out, and Mom and Dad didn’t feel compelled to replace the third bulb in as many months, I read by the bathroom light. You know you have a reading problem when you’ve sat in a dry tub to get comfortable to read when you’re supposed to be sleeping…

And I didn’t read just children’s books. I read Hunt for Red October in fourth grade with my father. This inspired me to read more on Russian history, then the Bolshevik Revolution, and on and on. Fiction. Non-fiction. I didn’t care. I devoured. And as a result, I was mostly a rebel in my own household.

One night, my two younger sisters and I were punished for rowdiness. We were sent upstairs to our rooms without watching T.G.I.F. (a slate of family comedies on Friday nights on ABC when I was a kid)! To this day, I have NO idea where this plan came from, but I do remember thinking that the only way to get back at them was to have fun despite our punishment. I informed my sisters we were going to “boycott” the punishment (no, this wasn’t the correct application of the word, but it worked).

My two younger sisters shared a room with twin beds, side by side. I had my own room. I also had a springy, squeaky, second hand mattress. They had nearly brand new, cushiony, soft mattresses. My plan was to pretend we were going to the beach. First step was getting into our bathing suits. Second, we needed an ocean.

Now most kids would opt for the bathtub at this point. Not me. Instead we dumped buckets and buckets and buckets of water onto one of the brand new mattresses. I know, the Mom in me is cringing right now. I didn’t know then that it would never dry. We dumped so much water on the mattress, it sagged in the middle, creating a puddle.

The other mattress was lined with towels. We stood on top of the headboard of the soaked mattress, “dived” into the water (with different tricks, of course) then rolled on the towels to dry off. Repeat and repeat times three girls.

Funnily enough, we didn’t get into any trouble that night. My parents just let us romp around upstairs, with a few yells to quiet down here and there. We all fell asleep in my bed. We usually all slept in one bed. Two lying one direction, the third laid the opposite way with her feet in the middle. I was about nine-years-old, making Christine six-years-old and Melissa four-years-old.

A few weeks later, my parents noticed we aren’t sleeping in one of the beds in our normal rotation. Also, something upstairs stunk and my mother could not figure out what it was. Finally, I came clean. I explained that it’s one of the mattresses. My dad lifted it up revealing black growth on the underside. My sisters and I were silent and obedient the entire trip to the store to buy a new mattress.

Surprisingly, we didn’t really get into trouble. I was lectured, I’m sure. But this kind of trouble fell under the category of “You didn’t know, now you do, don’t ever do something like this again.”

I figure, with interest, I probably owe my parents at least a few thousand dollars for the various things I destroyed with my imagination. Off the top of my head, that’s the mattress, a rubber tree plant, a moped, dozens of tools lost in the woods building forts, and a toaster oven. Thankfully, now my imagination is bring in money, not spending it! And please, feel free to contribute to the “Pay Elizabeth’s Parents Back For Her Wayward Childhood fund!

Thank you so much for having me at Zen Cherry! I am on tour this month and signing ebooks for readers who register for my newsletter. In addition, each week end there is a drawing for a signed and annotated paperback copy. It’s been one very busy January, and I am a bit backlogged with the signed ebooks. What I am doing is very different from other ebook signings; I am trying to make it as close to a physical book signing as possible. Each reader receives a hand written note from me nestled into their ebook file, so each ebook file is completely unique. This does take time, from writing the notes to scanning them into the computer and finally compiling each ebook file. So I am asking for patience, but the file you get is yours, and only yours.

I hope I made you smile and feel a little sympathy for my mother. If it makes you feel any better, I have my own creative mischief maker. My two-and-a-half-year-old will grab the glass pot lids from the cabinet, bang them together and yell “Cymbals” (thank you, Little Einsteins). Give her time, I’m sure she’ll have her own mattress type story to share twenty years from now.
 

Elizabeth Ann West is a Jane-of-all-trades, mistress to none! After writing non-fiction professionally for three years, she made the jump to fiction in 2011 with her debut novel, CANCELLED. A chicklit/romance from the male POV, Elizabeth’s novel challenges the conventions of modern romance. CANCELLED is now available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble as both an ebook and paperback. Elizabeth also writes regular posts about technology subjects on Mark Williams international, and her sites eawestwriting.com and eawestwriting.blogspot.com.

Thank you so much for being here today Elizabeth!

I can slap on a pair of rubber gloves by the second hurl, grabbing the icky bucket by my monkey toes on the way there. Comet is my cupid in these sorts of situations reminding me that I am the scrub to their bubble.

Ah, but wait! Not only am I the champeen of chunky, I am also the fever-watching, foot-rubbing foo fighter that can take a temperature with just a touch. I’m not chicken to whip out the broth and I can epsom salt the aches ’til the toes are peppered with tingles.

I can drag the biggest baby barbarians to the doctor when Nyquil and Vicks just doesn’t do the trick all the while handing over my copay with a smile.

Yes, I am the awesome nagger, bitcher, cajoler, and persuader of the sick until they get well out of sheer exhaustion.

I’m also the dog-bathing, chauffer-of-teenaged-speeders, lawn-mowing, poo picker-upper, but I don’t want to brag.

THIS SITE IS ON STRIKE TO STOP SOPA.

ALL SITES AND PEOPLE TO GO OUT AGAINST SOPA AND PIPA RIGHT NOW FOR 150 SECONDS

Internet Goes On Strike (The following is used with permission)

THIS SITE IS ON STRIKE TO STOP SOPA.

NOW, IT’S YOUR TURN TO TELL CONGRESS NO TO WEB CENSORSHIP:

CALL (202) 224-3121

WHAT’S WRONG WITH SOPA / PIPA?

Free Speech

Takes down hosts of content and legitimate free speech. The legislation is overly broad and could block some of our favorite websites to Americans only over just one claim to an infringing link posted by users.

The Economy

Creates massive new legal uncertainties and liabilities for web startups, stifling job creation in our most vibrant sector. As 54 leading tech venture capitalists wrote to Congress, the censorship bills would, “stifle investments in internet services, throttle innovation, and hurt American competitiveness.”

Security / Privacy

A web security initiative that has been in development for more than a decade and is just beginning to be implemented, DNSSEC, would be illegal under

the bill. The DNS filtering and anti-circumvention provisions in the bill would force a huge step backwards for securing critical national infrastructure from cyberattacks, preventing online identity theft, and stopping the spread of malware.

Copyright Infringement

People that want to share copyrighted content online would still be able to. To get around DNS blocking, all you have to do is enter the IP address of a website into your browser’s url bar.

Learn more:

americancensorship.org is supported by Public Knowledge, Electronic Frontier Foundation, Free Press, Wikipedia, Creative Commons, Fight for the Future, Participatory Politics Foundation / Open Congress, Center for Democracy and Technology,

MoveOn, Cato Institute, Don’t Censor the Net, Urban Dictionary, 4chan, Wikimedia Foundation, Mozilla, Demand Progress, Free Software Foundation, and see more at americancensorship.org/supporters.html

The bill is opposed by:

CEO’s of Huffington Post, Google, Twitter, and thousands and thousands more. To see a full list, go here: https://www.cdt.org/report/list-organizations-and-individuals-opposing-sopa

Sites participating in strike:

• reddit
• MoveOn
• Mozilla
• WordPress
• icanhascheezburger
• Fight for the Future
• Public Knowledge
• Electronic Frontier Foundation
• Demand Progress

SOPA becoming election liability for backers

To the ranks of same-sex marriage, tax cuts and illegal immigration, add this to the list of polarizing political issues of Election 2012: the Stop Online Piracy Act.

The hot-button anti-piracy legislation that sparked a revolt online is starting to become a political liability for some of SOPA’s major backers. Fueled by Web activists and online fundraising tools, challengers are using the bill to tag its congressional supporters as backers of Big Government — and raise campaign cash while they’re at it.

Among the fattest targets: SOPA’s lead author, House Judiciary Committee Chairman Lamar Smith (R-Texas), and two of its most vocal co-sponsors, Reps. Bob Goodlatte (R-Va.) and Marsha Blackburn (R-Tenn.). House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) has also felt the wrath of SOPA opponents.

Even GOP presidential contenders Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum were asked by voters recently to weigh in on the bill (neither gave definitive answers, though activists have interpreted Santorum’s response as more sympathetic to SOPA than Romney’s).

KEY POINTS ABOUT SOPA / PIPA

1. Leading constitutional scholar Laurence Tribe and internet law expert Marvin Ammori have argued that the bill violates the First Amendment because they would restrict considerable speech by people who are not engaging in infringement, either directly or indirectly.

2. 54 leading internet venture capitalists have signed a letter stating that legal uncertainties under PROTECT-IP would “stifle investment in Internet services, throttle innovation, and hurt American competitiveness.”

3. Contrary to its supporters’ claims, the bill will affect domestic websites. Any site that can be shown to enable circumvention of website blocking under the bill would face penalties. This could include sites where users have posted links to IP addresses or new domains for sites that have been blocked.

4. The bill would use DNS filtering to block sites, which is the same technique used for web censorship in China and Iran. The U.S. will no longer have a moral high ground when talking about protecting internet freedom globally.

5. An internet security initiative that has been in the works for more than a decade and is just starting to be implement, DNSSEC, would be considered an illegal circumvention tool under the bill. The DNS filtering and anti-circumvention provisions in the bill would force a huge step backwards for securing critical infrastructure, preventing identity theft, and stopping malware.

6. The bill has not received sufficient committee work and is not ready for floor action. The bill did not receive a single hearing and the mark-up session held by the Judiciary Committee on May 26th lasted less than 8 minutes and featured no amendments and no substantial debate.

Published by internet sites around the world. to get more involved see americancensorship.org and sopacountdown.org

Now according to @AKMamma, (aka Kriss Weekley), I need to tell this story to shed some light on a comment I made about nearly going bald. So here’s to you Kriss. (Drinks a large glass of champagne for courage)

It was nearing Christmas 2010. I was frustrated with my hair, as per usual, and got an ‘idea’. Ideas being the dangerous flotsam of otherwise good intentions, I didn’t see it that particular way and went ahead with it.

Yes. I got a weave. Now I actually got one waaaay back in the 90′s but that involved glue and lasted all of about a week and some strange looks from people witnessing the shedding. Anyhoo…I’d read where they’ve gotten better and the ‘idea’ blossomed again.

Now, being a relative stranger to anything beauty parlor-ish ever since the one lady took barber clippers and relieved me of my sideburns past my ear, I braved the icy winds and traffic with an attitude of a defensive linebacker. This was going to work. I was going to have beautiful hair and I would run my fingers through it like a Paul Mitchell commercial. Hairspray would be more than just a movie and I could look at my hair gel on the counter and laugh ‘remembering when’. My Christmas present was going to be the best ever and would bring in the new year seeing me all made-up and glamorous.

My first clue should have been when the lady told me she’d read up on how to do Caucasian hair weaves. Oh no, I figured here is a professional. She’s done hundreds of weaves. My hair is tough and is ready for the pulling and twisting. I’M tough. I can scrap with the best of them so naturally my hair can too. Tough is in my genes.

I sit in the chair for hours and then some more hours. We have a good time talking about things and I feel quite girly for once and giggle about so-and-so and what-have-you. I don’t get very many bonding moments with women being half-barbarian myself, so this was a treat and I knew I was on my way to girly awesomeness.

She’s ready to show me…she spins the chair around and I am…AWESOME. I look…oh my gosh…my hair! It looks GORGEOUS! I am almost near tears since I KNEW there was hope. I knew it! I pay her and she tells me I have to come in for an ‘adjustment’ every two weeks. I make my next appointment and tip her heavily.

I come home and the youngest drops the backpack he had been picking up. “Mom? You look like a model!”

I am secretly tickled.

Khan: “Wow. It’s beautiful!”

I am ready to do back-flips with the reaction except my neck is pretty sore from all the extra weight newly acquired. I settle for a princess wave and pop some Advil. Beauty costs and I’m ready to pay the price.

I play with my curling iron and do quite a few Cher moves over the course of the next couple of weeks. I can braid my hair as long as I leave it at nape-level since the tiny ugly braids underneath would show otherwise. No matter…I am a mirror addict, awed by the change in appearance. I go in for my adjustment and we both notice a few clumps are missing.

“Have you been brushing it?”

“No, I swear.”

“Well, there’s going to be some loss.”

This is a revelation to me. “Well let’s add some more.”

“When we re-do it at about a month, we will.”

She blows it dry, curls it and hides the thinning spot artistically. I still look fabulous, but now I have a side part sort of. No matter! I am still awesome!

Christmas is nearing and so I start baking like a fool. I make cookies for all of the neighbors, the postman, the garbage man, the people at Khan’s work…I am nearly covered in flour for a good week. Not my hair though. I have guarded that better than Ft. Knox. I notice though, that my hair is getting…curlier. To the point where it’s nearing an afro sort of bent and I fight with it of the mornings and get it relatively straight with some help from the ‘told-you-so’ hair gel.

I make my rounds around the neighborhood and they all ‘look’ at me sort of funny. I know what it is and I’ve put a hat on to hide the more wild strands. You see, Bozo is starting to seem like a close relative in the mirror. The fake hair has decidedly ‘changed’ since its first washing at the parlor. I call my beautician and she says to come in but in about a week since the holiday is nearly upon us.

See…right here I should have insisted. Should have told her just how bad it had gotten, but I was busy too and I did have that big dinner to prep and presents to wrap and…my hair troubles got pushed to the bottom of the list.

Christmas comes and goes and I’m a hat-wearing, frizzy, shedding hair up to my shoulders, not-going-to-the-store-anymore stupid fool at this point. My beautician calls and cancels due to something or another and I tell her I REALLY need to see her. Next week, I’m told. Next week for sure.

I go in finally and take off my hat and scarf. I see her horrified look quickly smoothed over and know something really bad is about to happen. She takes out the weave and my hair seems…well mostly gone.

When she’s done, I don the hat, and she takes me to a wig shop. I pick out a couple of wigs that don’t look like Cher’s, (which seemed to be the going rage), and get ready to pay.

She says: “You know, there’s a new way to weave Caucasian hair I’ve been reading about. Maybe when yours grows out…”

I just gave her a princess wave as I left and went home and hid all the mirrors. I stashed the wigs in a drawer after a couple of weeks and sported a bob for all this past year.

Screw Cher.

Justin Bogdanovitch (@JustinBog) tagged me! His blog is always a nice place to go full of photos of Zippy and Kipling, book reviews, and music recommendations. He also is mad funny so follow him on Twitter if you haven’t already and check out his beautifully laid-out and well-worded site.

So tagged, eh?

I was a champeen tag player, (at least in my mind), back in the day. I’d zoom like a bullet shot out of a gun and climb up a tree imitating a squirrel to the frustrated hip-grabbing harrumphs of my fellow players. “No fair!” they’d cry. I’d stick out my tongue and dare them to come get me, swinging my legs jauntily. Of course, one of the boys would always take up the challenge. This was my early attempts at flirtation and I’d feel mighty happy about it until one time well…let’s just say the higher you go, the shakier the tree and getting lashed by branches isn’t exactly fun foreplay.

So onwards to the questions. (Gets finger ready to push buzzer like Jeopardy)

WHAT HAS BEEN THE HAPPIEST EVENT OF 2011:
My grandson’s birth in February. Yeah, I’m a Mimi now. Never saw myself as the grandmotherly sort so I’m set on making the title it’s own unique spin. Oh there’ll be cookies and the like but expect the boy to be doing cartwheels and such with Mimi in the near future too. Heck, we may even build rockets together. (Grabs textbooks to get up to speed)

WHAT HAS BEEN THE SADDEST?
Sad? Me? Nevah. Not for long any way. Guess it would have to be watching my kids struggle to make a go of it. Where’s my frickin’ fairy godmother to unpumpkin some of these things, hmm?

ONE UNLIKELY THING YOU WENT AHEAD WITH AND DID?
I got lasik. I’m not keen on anything burning my corneas or strapping my eyelids open normally. I had visions of Clockwork Orange and a few Logan’s Run flashes, but a Valium later and seeing Khan through the surgery window calmed my butt down pretty fast. I, in fact, was standing there listening to the doctor right before we walked into the surgery room and interrupted him by abruptly sitting down in a splayed-fashion and told him…’Oh wow. I feel it, (the valium), now.’ Sent him into a round of giggles which I heartily joined. Good thing they gave me that pill or they’d have had to have strapped me down due to leg-flippy cool moves going ninja berserk.

WHO LET YOU DOWN?
Me. I wanted to finish my trilogy this year but kept getting sidetracked with other obligations. I need to put my books first. Well, after my loved ones and my duties and my…oh heck.

WHAT MADE YOU LAUGH?
Oh my gosh. All my tweeps, blogging friends, Triberr friends, interviewees, reviewees, my family, my friends…if I didn’t sleep my belly would flip and just how would I digest my food then?

WHAT MADE YOU CRY?
I’m not a crier. Unless you count stupid old movies that were devilishly written, the bastards.

TELL US ONE THING THAT MADE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF.
I didn’t ram the truck into the back of the guy who keeps cutting me off in the Subaru. My foot on the accelerator argued with me, but I made like the calf had a cramp.

TELL US ONE CHALLENGE YOU OVERCAME
Collaborating on the book Paradox. That was an experience that was full of a lot of obstacles and I just put my head down and bowled through it. It may have been a rush job and not the literary finest out there, but it got finished and I did get paid in gum so now I can giggle at that one commercial.

IS THERE ANYTHING YOU’D LIKE TO CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE IN 2012?
I’d like to magic the winning lotto numbers onto my playslip before the draw happens and move to the Virgin Islands with the jackpot winnings and buy that one multi-million dollar house on the edge of the island. While we’re at it, I’d like to learn five different languages to fluency, be able to heal with my mind, and create world peace with laughter. Uh…well, my back up plan is to become a NYT best-seller and enable my overworked husband to retire. My back up back up plan is to keep calm and to carry on and maybe not kill the blueberry bushes accidentally with the weed-whacker this year.

Now that the boring part is over, I get to tag two people.

I tag…

M.E. Franco (@MEFranco1) and Gareth Young (@SpartaGus) Awesome folks with incredible wit and generous happy vibes to go all around. I #cyberlove them, I do, I do!

M.E.’s blog

Gareth’s blog

Well worth the reads.

Thank you Justin for tagging me and being the wonderful awesome that is you!

Guess I’d better get up to mop-rearing speed on this.
 

    1. Buy a bucket. I’m sure the one I have that smells like Pinesol just won’t do.

2. Put Pinesol bucket away.

 3. Actually grow flowers in the little plot in front of the big window and not accidental dandelions this time. We’ve plenty of them to go around and Bunny Foo Foo is full.

4. Untangle the necklace in my jewelry box that’s been sitting there for fifteen years.

    4. a) Wear necklaces.

5. Learn how to hang stubborn OPAQUE curtains.

     6.       Remember not to discourage child (that comes home with dyed two-tone hair and eyebrows making him look eyebrowless) from his creativity.

    Wait a sec, did that one  ^

6.  Change that one light bulb that needs a stupid ladder.

7. Step OVER the thingy in between the tiled floor and the cement floor that keeps stubbing my toe.

7. a) Wear my slippers when I’m stepping over the thingy.

8. Don’t put heavy boxes on top of the Christmas tree in the closet. My future self will thank me.

    9. Order vacuum bags BEFORE the last one is near bursting.

10. Remember where I put the bucket list.

Now while it’s a lot of fun to do these interviews, I’ll be doing them every Monday and Friday and it has taken an incredible amount of time away from my other pursuits like blog-hopping and eating. Where I was averaging 100 to 200 blogs a day, I’m now down to about 10.

That said, I’m starting the new year with too much on my plate as you’ve been seeing with my sporadic appearances on Twitter. (I miss my tweeps!)

So something has to suffer and it’s going to be this blog. It’s going to stay mind you, but my appearances will no longer be daily.

But it’s only an interview – how long can that take?

Gads, trust me. Why…it’s become an outright full-time responsibility.

So, posting will be infrequent here to allow me to work on my trilogy and go to the bathroom. It would suck if I were to wet myself after all. Have you seen the price of Depends?

You’re loved and I’m here if you need me. My email is zencherry67 AT gmail DOT com

Of course, I know I’m letting my spammers down. Their fifteen links to buy shoes and their translated remarks will just have to wait I guess.

Except this one (Ahem, not for those easily offended):

‘…your lady calls for various forceful racing to help their p*ssy within couple of action-filled roles! Look at their start up to many dangerous thrusting from their partner. Watch since your lady pleasures couple of fellas at the same time. Look at their appearing banged by way of just one guy whereas your lady sucks some other man’s w*ng. that b*tch is a sperm dynamo.’

I’ll hold this one in my heart forever.

I do not know how to hang drapes. Call them what you want: Curtains, draperies, things with pointy hooks and traverse rods…these things are my bane. Blinds, btw, are just as bad if not worse.

I’m slightly envious of those who have houses adorned with designer wear fabric hanging just so on the peep holes of humanity and mortar, my eyes usually averted in a conversation I should be paying attention to, trying to figure out how they did it. To hire someone to do it here in the hoity-toity land of horse breeders and slugger bats would equate to thousands of dollars. (Kid you not.) I’ve watched videos on Youtube and have bought umpteen books on the matter, but it all somehow doesn’t quite work out the way it should once I get my fingers involved. It’s been like trying to learn how to tie knots from a book that has arrows going every which way until your fingers wind up balling in a fist and ripping the book to shreds. (Maybe that’s just me…)

In the interim, (aka my entire married life), I’ve hung sheets, blankets, towels and even have papered with the handy dandy scotch tape. Well when we bought this house, it was supposed to ‘come with designer drapes’. It wound up being blinds and a bunch of sheers that really didn’t have much of a window-pane life with two evil cats and my ability to clean blinds into pieces.

I thought I had it all figured out when I hit pay dirt at a garage sale and found numerous drapes ready to go with all of their gadgets. I hung them in the bedroom with a hammer and nails, (yes I know…but it was the only way I could get them to stay up me being all coordinated and all). I look at my masterpiece of dented drywall and threaded bliss and feel quite proud of myself.

Until…

Two weeks later the dog is again going nuts in the bedroom. I’ve come in from working outside, taken a shower and am slipping on some things and decide to check out what he’s been pestering everyone about. Nothing. I see nothing. Well, let’s go outside and check it out then.

I go out the front door of the house and my dog TAKES OFF running. When an English Mastiff goes baby, he’s GONE. I run to the balcony at the side of the house to get a view of where he’s going. I see that he’s chasing a teenage boy who has now hopped over one fence, turned around and is sure that he’s averted dog-bitedom only to see the mastiff clearing the fence with ease. He takes off again over another fence and I whistle my fool head off to call off the dog.

What could have possessed him I think as I sit there watching him come back at his call and pet his head. My eyes look around and I see…my bedroom. The drapes? Even though from the front they seem opaque? Well…yeah. At the right light they’re like a frickin’ camera.

So if you see a house with blankets in the window, just know that I tried. I really, really tried.